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While I will not be so coy as to pretend that all this is cut together in such a chaotic manner that it leaves it impossible to follow the action, it is certainly nevertheless the case that the action is, at the least, much harder to follow than it should be. At one point, there is a car chase in Paris in which dozens and dozens of cars are destroyed, while two men in suits that make them run fast are composited in. In the film, some things are blown up, and some things are with with nanite - I'm sorry, "nanomite" - missiles, causing them to melt. Incidentally, the Cobra that is rising, according the title, is not revealed until about 40 seconds from the end of the film, so hopefully you'll remember from the cartoon that Cobra is an international terrorist organisation led by a fierce man with a shiny mask. Along the way, the film manages to spend a brief time in 1641 France, features many violations of its own internal logic, and has the damned temerity to open its main action with a card reading "In the not too distant future", a phrase with the kind of associations that you'd just as soon not call up if there's even a chance that you're movie is bad enough to mock.
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Think instead, James Bond plus getting hit in the face with dirty socks. Think James Bond plus The Guns of Navarone, and you are thinking far too interesting. Joe (so much for "real American heroes"), and they're facing off against a Scottish weapons dealer with an eye for world domination. The scenario - calling it a story is needlessly kind - is that the very best soldiers from around the world have been gathered into an elite fighting force known as G.I. Which says pretty damning things about it. The film doesn't even have the same pretensions towards storytelling as the 1980s cartoon series, nor the same level of character development. I could synopsise the plot, but it doesn't matter. If this is what having fun looks like, then I'm glad I never do it.Īnyway, I promised I wouldn't go there. Certainly, none of the people in the crowded auditorium where I saw the film seemed to be any more actively entertained than I was: the film unspooled to a deathly silent roomful of passive receptacles, with some scattered clapping at the finale. Sitting there in the dark, watching as one animated objected careened into another, over and over again, for 118 minutes enjoying not one frame of the experience in any sort of active manner it is the kind of film that you watch with the leaden complacency of a dumb animal, ready to forget it within minutes of leaving. Anyway, it's not an angering film it's honestly sort of depressing. Both of those men did a better job than I could, and frankly I sort of feel like if I got that angry at G.I. I am not however interested in writing such a eulogy for smart American filmmaking and smart American filmgoers. Joe - whose subtitle indicates the naked desire to make it into a goddamn franchise, and whose $55 million opening weekend is somehow "disappointing" enough that a sequel actually isn't a foregone conclusion - is the kind of movie that could inspire this very same kind of breast-beating and dolor it is a mightily stupid sci-fi action epic on the model that could only have been achieved in the age of ready CGI, since it is much easier to blow up a gigantic underwater military base beneath the polar ice on a computer than it is to rig a modest-sized airplane to explode in real life. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, a film that opened on the 7th without screening for critics beforehand, but the timing seems suspiciously appropriate.
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It is quite unlikely that either of these fine critics was responding directly to G.I.
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Scott published a less-alarmed but even more dejected essay on the same topic. On 6 August, Roger Ebert posted a jeremiad decrying the rising idiocy of film audiences.